normally i dread bringing in the new year, and i know christmas hasn’t been and gone yet but i feel the need to get this off my chest. so i was showering the other day (i like to make all my life changing decisions in the shower) and i thought, i am miserable. truly miserable. like i am at university doing the course i wanted to do for a long time, i am in one of my favourite places in the whole world, i have the best family, i have amazing friends and a boyfriend who overwhelms me sometimes. but me, myself and i.. not happy. at all. so many people keep saying to me ‘you’re fine as you’ ‘you’re not fat’ ‘stop being silly, you should love yourself for who you are’ NO. fuck that. i am not happy. and people who tell me that sort of shit obviously don’t know me. i mean thankyou and everything, but no. i know that sounds real mean but yeah, whatever. i must say university is making me grow up, and i think i am finally finding myself as a person. i think? and the one thing i want to change in the new year is my weight. like completely overhaul it. and i am going to do it. i have never been so serious in my life. in my home town i would go out and feel so insecure, but here in Sheffield it is even worse. i go to university everyday and see so many pretty, curvy/slim figured girls. and i am so fucking jealous. i want to be slim. i don’t want to be skinny. i would say i want to be like.. katy perry size. (sheissohawt). her figure is perfect. like she’s skinny but she’s curvy and slim at the same time. obvs i don’t expect to get a figure anything like hers but i hope i can get near that sort of standard. i have tried so many diets and so many different plans. but this time it is for real. i want to be noticed, i want to be called hot. i know it sounds vain and like i want an ego but i don’t fucking care. all these girls i keep seeing can wear whatever they want and i cannot and it hurts. a lot. it has got to the stage where i don’t even like to go out anymore. so a change needs to be made. my goal is 5 stone, maybe 6 to lose starting January and hopefully ending by July. i am aware it is ambitious but i have a lot motivation to do this. and it feels different this time, like i feel something inside of me (corny i know) wants to change for good. i am feeling really positive about losing weight, i truly believe it is going to happen this time. i need to do this, for my health, for my love life, my overall happiness as a person and for me.
and when i do lose weight i am going out and buying a freakum dress. and i am going to work the shiiiiit outta that dress. wait and see..
Day 06 - Write 30 interesting facts about yourself.
yeah, so i know i am doing two days in one. but as everyone knows, tumblr was down yesterday (ohgoditwasawful) so i am doing both days today. oh and i am only doing 15 for now because i am hungover and tired. so this is effort.
1. i am short sighted, due to the fact that i was born with my eyes being too close together. (like not on my face, like in my head.) 2. my laugh is never the same. i swear down it changes. 3. when i was younger my family used to make me do impressions of ruby wax. 4. i cannot go a day without listening to music. and if i do i get really miserable. so much so i am really considering getting a treble clef tattoo. but my mum would kill me. 5. i hate celery. like that’s probably the only food i won’t eat/try. why would you want to eat string? 6. my biggest phobias are the dark and cockroaches. 7. i smoke too much. 8. name a song and i probably know the lyrics. i think this to be one of my best talents :) 9. i cannot stand attention seekers. 10. i cry a lot. 11. my mum named me after a guinea pig. and a doll. 12. the first people notice on my is my boobs. which is sometimes a bad thing. 13. i would like to live in america and have my own events company. probably won’t happen. 14. i hate when people spell my middle name without a Y. it grinds my gears. 15. i have the best boyfriend ever. i love him so so so much.
Day 05 - A time you thought about ending your own life.
i’m not going to write a huge long essay on this. all i will say is i have thought about it, once and once only. i was 14 and i didn’t know who i was. i was lost in the world of ‘growing up’, there was trouble in the family and i just didn’t want to be me anymore. yes i thought about it, but i knew in my heart i would never go through with it. somehow i managed to pull my feelings together and get over all of it. i started to grow into myself a bit more. and the weirdest thing? that point in my life wasn’t even the lowest point. but that was the only time i have thought about it. and i hope it is the only time i do.
well, personally i am religious. i don’t go OTT with it. but i believe in God :) things have happened to me that make me believe in God, plus i like the whole comfort of it. i never doubt God, some people say ‘why do bad things happen?’ ‘if God was real evil wouldn’t exist’. but i believe as long as man walks the earth, there will be evil amongst humans. however religion can turn bad, like the middle east. and that’s sad that people cannot accept other people’s religions. i don’t agree with some values and beliefs that other religions hold, but i accept them. the world would be a better place if people had acceptance, but i doubt that will ever happen.